Hawk the Slayer

Let me tell you a story of high adventure!

Hawk the Slayer is the fantasy standard for a subset of gamers from the generation before after Dungeons and Dragons and before Conan. The not-so-epic sweep of this fantasy story involves two brothers, one a winner and the other a loser; a hostage plot, and some other stuff that seems like it should be important but wasn't.




The story opens with Jack Palance (Of Shane and City Slickers) slumming as a villain Voltan, wearing an "I'm not quite Darth Vader" outfit, (This did come out in 1980) killing his defenseless father and then fleeing from Jack Terry, (The Living Daylights and Full Metal Jacket) aka Hawk his younger by-like-twenty-years brother. The father while dying gives Hawk some powerful sword with a glowing gem on its end that Hawk can use to fight evil. This magic sword can be called back to Hawks' hand by his own will.





~~
Flashforward to the present: Voltan takes an Abbess hostage from a church after pursuing a mutilated refugee, (Ranulf) whose village Voltan's army destroyed. The church heads don't want to give into terrorist demands lest they endanger all their other abbeys.

They'd give you some money; but as you can see, they're strapped for cash.

So they send Ranulf, (who sports an automatic crossbow) to find Hawk. (The titled Slayer of the film) Hawk is riding aimlessly around the woods through fog to some really terrible synth music. The wiki article says it's a cult favorite, but me and Steve found it conspicuously bad. No doubt the makers of the later Conan saw this as a cautionary example.

Hawk dramatically slays two bandits who were menacing Ranulf, and then saves a witch from some other jerks. The witch will teleportate him a few times so he can recruit three allies. An elf, a hobbit, (That's not a dwarf! No matter what this movie claims. Not on my life!) and a a third cliche.

He takes these guys with him to the abbey to assist in the hostage crisis. One of the nuns doesn't seem to like them as she prefers to deal with Voltan. (Guess how that will work out)

Peace in our time!

Gamers tend to be favorably inclined towards this movie, and for good reason. The party doesn't really act like epic heroes, so much as they do Dungeons & Dragon players.

Upon arriving on the scene, their first plan to save the hostage is to attack a completely different criminal, (The Hunchback) and take his money. Supposedly this is so they'd have a lure for Voltan, but given their lack of interest in deals I'm not sure why that would have been necessary. When the 'heroes' attack, they strike with the awesome power of jump-cut editing. The Elf and Ranulf guy fill dozens of common thugs with arrows before they even know what's going on. It doesn't seem fair.

Needing to feel useful, the large man then puts The Hunchback in a deathtrap by suspending his own club over his own head with a rope through a tree, held in place by putting the rope in his mouth. This is supposedly because the The Hunchback talks alot, though I didn't really notice anything of the kind. The Hunchback is not pinned in place by anything, so he really only has to wait until the heroes leave. But the big man called it; The Hunchback can't keep his gums from flapping. Maybe he wanted to die.

The heroes banter a bit; Voltan's forces are too numerous to fight, but they realise that the only solution is to attack him where he lives.

The heroes gameplan has in fact stepped up a bit, as they now utilize a smoke screen when they ambush Voltan's easily dispatched goons before being compelled to flee by the necessities of a third act. This is the second of four major fights in this movie that play out with eerie similarity. The good guys kill dozens of thugs with arrows while the rest try to look busy. The bad guys barely can do a thing.

Trying to step up like his father, Voltan's (adopted) son brings a message, "... of death!" (Actual line) to Hawk and his buddies at the abbey. He and his goons are easily slain. Meaning he's surpassed his father already.

It's like in Role-Playing games where a party is fighting challenges way below their strength. Accordingly, only DM railroading, (Or in non-rolepaying terms; betrayal) can put the heroes at a disadvantage. They are sold out by Sister Appeasement, who gets stabbed by Voltan for her troubles. The Dwarf gets killed by what seems like a gut punch when he humiliates Voltan.

The heroes are saved by the witch, (Who seems to come and go as she pleases) and they engage Voltan once more. With the cover of a snowstorm summoned by their witch, the heroes once again fill helpless villains with arrows before Hawk makes the critical Dungeons & Dragons mistake of splitting the party to go save the Abbess. (He should know better!) Meanwhile his friends seem to falling over due to the sheer exhastion of killing more extras than Arnold Schwarzenegger in Commando.

Don't go nowhere.

With his new hostages, Voltan has prepared a trap for Hawk when he returns.

~~
At this point; it's important to consider just how bad a villain Voltan is. Jack Palance has so far kept things interesting by chewing the scenery, as the scripted character is so ineffectual.

Pictured: Voltan getting beaten up by a bound midget.

This is the guy who was born first to his family but didn't get named Hawk. His parents saved that name twenty or thirty years for the next kid. Voltan, (contrary to what Steve told me) is not some fire god. The name may refer to a Mayan earth god or just be random letters. Either way, Voltan's name means dirt.

In flashbacks during the movie, we are shown how he is rejected as a suitor by the woman (Eliane) he favored for Hawk, possibly on account of his being three times her age. When taking into account that his son we see in the present is adopted; one can only assume that this man is really deprived. Eliane also rubbed it in by suggesting that he should be happy for her and Hawk. (Not even a 'let's be friends')

When Voltan makes his move against his brother, it is in fact Elaine who defeats him, wounding him with a torch and then fleeing with Hawk in a boat. Having been scarred for life, Voltan shoots her in the back from a safe distance. You may have noticed that killing defenseless people is about the best Voltan can do when it comes to villainy. For the rest of his life, Voltan seems plagued by the pain of this facial wound, and often receives relief from a mysterious evil figure in a robe.

I think Voltan can't kill anybody who isn't unarmed or have their back turned to him.
~~

Voltan doesn't stand a chance against Hawk and is quickly dispatched to no one's surprise.

Even eye saw it coming!

Hawk and his remaining ally ride off in search of adventure. Voltan is revived by the evil robed figure, for a sequel which is... just around the corner according to Wikipedia.

The movie isn't bad, but it isn't really good either. It's a good thing to pass the time, though it can easily mistaken for something that isn't a feature film. Or perhaps it's being mistaken for one. I wouldn't really put it much above the Dragonstrike board game's instructional video. It's got no tension nor are the characters really interesting. But the movie makes good use of its lack of money and it's lack of epicness makes it kind of unique. Weak but fun.