The Waiting Room

I give you The Room.


In the future, it is probably a good idea for me to write about a movie before I talk about it to someone. There's little greater way to lose the fire in the belly about unloading on a bad movie than by going for the quick satisfaction of just talking about it. Except perhaps the need to get this out of the way before I have to expound upon all the Summerworks theatre and Afterdark movies I'll be seeing over the next week. Consequently, I will now give witness to the horror that is The Room, which I saw at the Royal Theatre last month.

I went to The Room with the full intention of engrossing myself in what had been described to me as the worst movie made in recent memory. From what I had heard and seen I was expecting some kind of maudlin art movie perhaps shot in one room. It was not to be. The Room; in full colour and not consigned to any particular room, (Indeed the title apparently refers to the filming location where all scenes were shot and not anything actually seen in the move) did not seem to be even an attempt at art but instead either a hate note to the producer/director/writer/star's ex-lover, or an attempt to craft an appallingly low-brow drama loaded with cliches. It's currently marketed successfully as a black comedy, but it's actually a brilliantly unintentionally funny. Black comedy is not what I'd call it even were it on purpose. Given that this film was made years ago and is still being shown on small screen regularly, (and to a good sized audience at that) it's clear that the director has fallen back-asswards into a goldmine.


The main character is our director Tommy Wisseau, who is going by the name Johnny. I often referred to him as Tommy when describing the movie and during the climactic conclusion, so did one of his co-stars. It's an easy mistake to make since the saintly emo weeny he's playing is clearly his own airbrushed image of himself. He looks and sounds like some an eastern European drug dealer: long scraggly black hair, dark shades, dark suit, pasty skin, and a curious accent. Johnny lives in San Francisco in a ground level apartment with his fiancé Lisa. Johnny works at a bank where as he describes it, "The bank saves money and they are using me and I am the fool," and "I save them bundles. They're crazy. I don't think I will ever get it. They betray me, they didn't keep their promise, they trick me and I don't care anymore."
This guy butchers lines of dialogue that are already terrible. He can't act physically either whether he’s trying to display despair, playfulness, rage, or thrusting. He’s fantastic.

Lisa is Johnny's FUTURE WIFE, and isn't interested in him anymore. Johnny provides Lisa FINANCIAL SECURITY. After all, the "computer business is too competitive." We know because she doesn't get any phone calls. I don't understand that at all, but we know as much about her job as we do about Johnny's so it might make sense.

She seems to do a lot of things just for fun, or because she's 'changing', or just confusing. I don't think Tommy Wisseau has a coherent reason why his ex is evil and so Lisa's character is all over the place. She'll show poor judgment by asking her mom for advice and then dismissing her as butting in, having an affair with his best friend Mark, leave a mop out for days, initiate an illicit encounter in her living room within meters of other people, and even have a love scene with Johnny. Ugh. Bad calls all around. Still, I get the feeling her being with Johnny may have been an elaborate joke to begin with. The actress seems to put on weight as the film progressed which may be because of the stress caused by working on this set.


Mark is Johnny's BEST FRIEND, and doesn't seem to have earlobes. He shaves his beard towards the end of the movie, but unfortunately this just causes him to be more treacherous. He's not just a dick to his BEST FRIEND though, as he's also terrible to Lisa. After having sex with her for the first time he asks, "How could you do this to me?" and he will eventually come to pin all of the blame for the events of The Room on Lisa. (The characters, not the actors) He shows a penchant for referring to candles and music that don't exist, (Classic case of failing to rewrite dialogue I figure) and at one point tries to throw a friend, (See below for Peter) off a roof; so maybe he's just a dangerous lunatic. In one scene that serves no purpose, he accidentally ‘hits’ an ancillary character, (Named Mike) so hard, that this character falls down, acts blinded, and I think doesn't appear in the movie again. Notably, this scene serves no end and the actor playing Mark didn’t even seem to do anything. Perhaps this was a bad take left in?

Mark: "As far as I'm concerned, you can drop off the Earth. That's a promise. "


Denny is an orphan who lives near Johnny and Lisa's ground floor apartment, in his own apartment that is paid for by Johnny, because Johnny's just that great of a guy. I'll let this quote from Tommy explain him; "I think he brought a lot stuff. One thing was he's really retarded a little bit." Asked if Denny was written that way, Wisseau says he did so "Indirectly, so he's confused." I figure Denny was living in a box prior to moving into his apartment. This is why he combines the communication skills and appearance of a young adult with the comprehension of social norms of an eight year old. He seems to come and go from the apartment with little rhyme or reason and may or may not give off the appearance of an unhealthy attachment to Johnny.

Example: Lisa and Johnny head up to their bedroom for lovin' while Denny watches them leave. Instead of contemplating why his surrogate family would react to his visit by immediately heading into another room for sex, Denny takes a bite out of an apple, (Audience member: "Ooooooohhh! Metaphor!") and then heads upstairs to pillow fight with them. (Yes, he is asked to leave; this movie isn't that nuts)

Denny has a run in with a drug dealer. Guess what? Denny doesn't have his money, the drug dealer doesn't have any patience, and after Mark and Johnny save Denny and turn the drug dealer over the police Denny makes a teary confession to Lisa and Claudetter... and nothing will ever come of this in the movie. The scene serves no purpose. Take it away, Johnny: "Denny...keep in Moind that if you have any problems, come to me and I will help you. Let's get something to eat hanh?"

Lisa's mother Claudette is the only character who truly understands the depravity of the imbeciles that surround her. She causally says that men and women are jerks and casually tells Lisa that she never loved her father. (Lisa: "What?!") I think a lot of what she tells Lisa about the unimportance of happiness and Johnny's financial value is Tommy's own bizarre argument against the emotional needs of whomever broke up with him to inspire this movie. She's also dying since she has breast cancer. Lisa tells her she'll be fine. This convinces her. This plot point never comes up again either.

Peter is a psychiatrist and leaves before the production of the film is finished. In his final scene where he, Mark, and Johnny play 'football' in their tuxedos at Denny's suggestion, (BTW their definition of football just involves tossing the ball around like a baseball and there's no reason for them to be in tuxes in this scene either) he falls on the ground and gets mad at Denny suggesting the idea. I like to the actor was too into his character and was genuinely angered.

He is replaced by our director with the named-only-in-the-credits Steven who looks like he just wandered on set by accident. Actual line of dialogue by Steven: "I totally agree with that opinion." Steven gets put into his place when Mark tells him to mind his own business and, “Leave your stupid comments in your pocket!” Words failed me… and based on that line, words failed Mark too.

This movie enjoys scoring love scenes with bad R&B music to raunch things up, (The audience claps in rhythm with the beat) even when Lisa cheats on Johnny. There are also many over-long shots of the Golden Gate bridge and the scenery of San Francisco to remind us where the movie is taking place. (But probably not filmed) These shots prompted the audience to shout, "Meanwhile… in San Francisco!" As if the shots were establishing a new setting every time.

Johnny and Lisa's apartment coffee table is decorated with an inexplicable picture of a spoon; the appearance of which prompts the audience to shout, "Spoons!" and throw plastic spoons in the threatre. I have no idea how they have so many spoons and got them inside the theatre. Also, someone in the threatre was throwing a football around ‘The Room-style’. One audience member drew further attention to Lisa's pulsing neck...thing during one scene by shouting, "Quaid...start the reactor!" (Total Recall reference)

The audience did demand silence during one incredible scene where Johnny picks up flowers. This one is not laugh out loud funny, but it's just so...

Watch the clip:



Another early notable scene shows an as-yet not introduced couple, somehow popping into Johnny and Lisa’s apartment to fool around on their couch. (Audience: Who are you? Get out of my house!”) This scene ends with the boy (Mike) making a cartoonish O-face so silly it suggests that at least one thing in this movie was being done for the sake of comedy intentionally.


Factors that unite Lisa and Johnny:
1. Financial security

2. Attention Deficit Disorder
Lisa: "Do you want me to order a pizza?"
Johnny: "Whatever, I don't care."
Lisa: "I already ordered a pizza."
Johnny: "You think about everything, ha ha ha."

Lisa: "She wants to control my life. I'm not going to put up with that. I'm going to do what I want to do, and that's it. What do you think I should do?"

3. Sharing an apartment and a dog. (Denny)

4. An awful sense of humour
Mark: "I used to know a girl, she had a dozen guys. One of them found out about it... beat her up so bad she ended up at a hospital on Guerrero Street."
Johnny: "Ha ha ha. What a story, Mark."

Steven: When is the baby due?
Lisa: There is no baby.
Steven: What? What are you talking about?
Lisa: I told him that to make it interesting.

5. Beliefs


Factors that tear Johnny apart:
1. Lisa


I don't think I could run down everything absurd about this movie without writing for far longer. It's great because it's so amateurish...no... ludicrous; in spite of it's budget and pretensions there are so many mistakes and you can't take anything or anyone seriously. Just starting to watch it, I honestly felt worried at first when I realized that it was painful even in the first minute. But I don't regret it at all. Quite the opposite.

It's like I told Stephen with Dune. "Keep your comments in your pocket!" ... no wait... I actually said that sometimes you just gotta watch bad movies. This one must be seen to be believed, and watched in a theatre to be truly experienced.